by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Dignity is for republicans.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
