In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
