My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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