Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
