I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
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