Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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