I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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