I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
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