Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
