So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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