seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
