just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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