Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
