I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
