I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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