I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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