he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
