She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
