after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Randomize
