I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize