census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
