I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Randomize
