you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize