Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
