Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
