i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
