I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
