Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
