we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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