And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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