Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
