I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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