theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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