Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Randomize
