I think i peed on brittanys purse
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize