I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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