Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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