Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
