She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
