thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
