He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
