Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize