Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
