Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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