I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
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