I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
