Don't make out with my wife yet
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
