Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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