There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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