Apparently you make a good broom.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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