Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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