Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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