Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
