I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
