this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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