im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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